You are a sexual being
Yes you are. You have always been. Just like that.
Girls are known to masturbate even while they are still inside their mothers' wombs (and boys happen to get boners there, too). As weird as this may sound – you are a sexual being from the start, even before your mom gave birth. You are a human being and therefore a sexual being. Have always been. Hah!
Sure, it seems like when you hit teenage years this side of you awakens. Actually, it doesn't wake up, it never slept. But at that time it is a side of you that surely becomes more and more important and you become aware of it; you now experience your sexuality way more conciously than a 6 year old playing with her pussy just because it feels good. Now you know that you masturbate and that what you do is masturbation. Now it is also sexuality in a social context. You get sexually interested in other persons, maybe question your sexual orientation, make your first sexual contacts, have a lot of questions, yadda yadda yadda. You know.
Now what's the point of me sounding like a sex ed book for kiddies when you most likely already know all that? Well, before kicking this off I just wanted to remember you that sexuality is an important aspect of every human life, from the very start. The reason for reminding you may become clearer later.
Now a little jump from biology to history: back in the „good" old days sex was a taboo. When you were a female. As a bachelorette you were expected to stay „pure". No roaming around with the boys, no talk about sex and – God forbid! – no sexual contacts AT ALL. No sex until marriage. And yes, marriage was your ticket to sex. Having a husband allowed you to be a sexual being. Or – more the way it was seen by society: your husband made you a sexual being. You sure have herad the term „He made her a woman" and the likes… Unless you were married a girl just couldn't be a sexual being. No chance. The whole „boys will be boys"-attitude on the other hand made male sexuality been looked at from a completely different angle, of course. Men were seen as sexual beings from puberty on; even a little boy whisteling at his fellow girl classmates was being smiled at: „Look at this little gigolo!" But girls? Sexual beings? No way. Nun, virgin or wife – you choose. Oh – and the dirty dirty whore, of course.
The story still goes on.
Although nowadays it's not half as dingy to lead a sex life as an unmarried woman, our society is still very much influenced by this way of thinking. One example: Angela Bustillo, a Spanish model became Miss Kantabria 2007. She had to give back her crown when the jury found out she was a young mother, they said „a miss cannot be a mother". She sued and now in Spain mothers, pregnant women and transsexuals are allowed to become a miss, too. Yay! But still – another evidence of the „old rules": a miss (=an unmarried woman) having a baby (=the ultimate proof that she's had sex) still seems somewhat unacceptable. Not to mention that you still cannot be a mother and become Miss Universe. And absolutely no need to mention that the „don't be a parent"-rule doesn't apply to male participants of any pageant…
But we don't have to go so far.
Marriage aside – it is STILL not acceptable to be a woman AND a sexual being without any restrictions. Back then the price was marriage and often motherhood. That's not so much the case anymore. But western society has changed little. We have other prices to pay now.
Let's think of the terms „women" and „sex". What images come to your mind? How do they look? How do the women look in the image that you have in mind? Do they look like Whoopie Goldberg or Roseanne Barr? Or do they have more similarities with Pamela Anderson or Jenna Jameson?
And mind you – the word association did not have the word „porn" in it. Just „sex".
Society might not tell us anymore we have to marry in order to earn the right to be a sexual being, no. But it tells us that we have to be beautiful and sexy or we don't deserve sex. Now I won't go any further discussing the terms „beautiful" and „sexy" here, that'd fill a whole different issue of a zine. Let's just mention that these terms are highly normative and have nothing to do with the real world, nothing to do with what people individually feel is sexy or pretty. They're beauty standards set up for us to follow.
I don't think I have to remind anybody of the countless „How to look sexy for your man"-columns in womens' magazines. Ads that tell you „how to look hot", „how to be sexy", they play with themes from femme fatale to „natural" beauty. And we see those everyday and we know they're fucked up, but they are still part of our everyday lives, they are part of what we consider „normal", if we want that or not.
What we get taught is that we better not try to step out of this normative system, that we better not stop pursueing to fit into these beauty standards or our sexuality will be denied for us.
You gotta be slim, shaved and neat with flawless skin, long lashes, a flat stomach, without cellulite,… the list goes on forever. Otherwise you are ugly. Or at least non-attractive. And ugly girls don't get fucked, no man wants an ugly girl.
There is so much wrong with this, on so many levels. First, its heteronormativity – who says every girl there is wants a man? And hetero or not – who in this world says that every girl wants a man at all right now at this exact moment in her life? Our culture pressures us a lot in this: without a relationship, without sexual experiences, sexual adventures, romantic love etc. your life is nothing. We are taught to believe that we have to desire exactly this. Now of course, sex and stuff are beautiful things but I personally think it is a totally overrated must. That's exactly the point: actually it is NOT a must. We are taught to always dream of prince charming, to want sex all the time, to yearn for a relationship and as soon as we ditch our partner we are expected to look for the next one, at least after a month. „You'll find someone new". As if this was the most important goal we could have in our lives.
While there is nothing wrong with a desire for relationship, sex and a partner at all there is a serious lack of balance here. We are never taught to be alone. On our own? Horrorvision! People look at you like you were an alien if you haven't had any sex as a 20 year old. And with pity if you tell them you haven't had a sexual relationship for the past 3 years. Because you are supposed to. The „happy single" seems to be nothing but a desperate excuse for the ones who „can't get any". I ask here: what has this still to do with healthy, self-determined sexuality?
Next thing: how can anyone deny us to be sexual beings? We are, from the very start of our lives. We are, all the time, our whole lives long. It is nothing we have to earn!
But we get told it is. Unless we agree to certain terms, our sexuality is denied. For many, many girls it is for example normal to shave their legs or their pussy before they have sex with their boyfriend (anything else seems unacceptable). Many girls feel extremely insecure or even ashamed in bed for stupid things like cellulite, acne or weight. Like there was some kind of guilt, like they were doing something forbidden, something they're not supposed to do because they don't fit the standard. The beauty standard that seems to be the key to sexual activity, to sexual desire. Our sexuality is nothing we are supposed to proudly have unless we apply to the official sexy-standard.
But the „good news" is: we can buy it! We can buy it with our money: shaving creams, a hot outfit, dessous, make up to hide and correct our „flaws", anti-aging/cellulite/acne/…-products, conditioner,… the cosmetics industry is way bigger than the car industry. Think about that. There's a LOT of money behind this. Good reason to keep up the efforts to make you feel ugly so you won't dare to stop buying, using, trying out their products.
We pay with our bodies: plastical surgery, diets (if there was a diet that really worked, why do the diet trends change from year to year, from low fat to low carb to whatever it is now…), working out with a do-or-die ambition instead of joy or torturing our bodies with bulimia, anorexia and diet pills.
I am tempted to say we pay with our dignity.
And it's certainly not looking like a healthy erotic environment full of relish that is created here. Quite the opposite, I'd say. But that's the way it works: kill the eroticism, kill the pleasure, kill the carefree lust BUT keep up their desire to experience exactly what you deny them. So that the girls keep the machinery running, that they keep the cash flowing – make them pay! Pay for their sexuality…
Because that way they will have to buy their sexuality with their hard earned money and with their probably even harder earned self-esteem.
The message is: you are full of flaws or even uglyuglyugly and no one wants you, you as a sexual being will be rejected! But buy our products, follow our diet tips, do what we say and you will become a sexual being in exchange. Nice!
But how can they tell us we have to earn all this? Why? For the hundredth time: we already are sexual beings and nobody on this whole wide world but death can take this away from us. We are meant to live our sexuality, the way and to the degree we want to, the way we individually enjoy ourselves!
But we still buy their bullshit. We feel sexy when we've lost weight and wear a short skirt but feel unsexy with greasy hair and our baggy-video-evening-wardrobe. We still try to fit in the picture set up for us. We still fear for our right to have sex. We don't dare to flirt cause we think we „look awful today". We don't go on top cause our boobies might hang and look „gross". We try to look „feminine" (although what could be more feminine than the feeling of being a girl??) in order to please the guys (another question would be if men – or the man we are interested in in particular- really want us to look the way we are told they do… if we are interested in guys at all). We shave, we jog, we apply make-up, we do everything to make us ourselves believe that this is 100% voluntary, we hide our false shame in concealer and more desperate trying so that we never lose our right to live the sexual feelings that burn inside of us.
But sex is nothing that any industry or society created. Being sexual has no rules, no boundaries. It's a primary instinct, in each of us, indicidually in every thinkable shape or form. My sexual needs are different than yours, than anybody's. Your sexual needs are different than mine, than anybody's. It's as unique as you are. No one needs to allow you to be a sexual being, cause you already are. There is no test, no job interview, no public viewing unless you are a prostitute. Your sexuality and your sex-appeal is not dependent on anything but your existence. You are sexy because you are a sexual being. Don't let anyone tell you the opposite. You need nothing to be sexually active but yourself. Not even a partner.
Get rid of all the restrictions you put on yourself. Try! Wouldn't it be worth it to go back to the roots and explore your body, your sexual needs without labels, without fear, without so called „flaws"? Find it, find your pure sexual energy, it's there. And don't tame it with shame, guilt, unnecessary insecurity or fear. Let it roar.
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